Where I Stood
by whistlingawaythedark
Summary: GSR. Sequel to "Beautiful Disaster". Sara leaves Vegas to find her identity. Struggling with her departure, Grissom realizes that he too has lost a sense of who he is. Will an unexpected surprise bring them back together or tear them further apart?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a sequel to my fanfic "Beautiful Disaster". A lot of background is given so it is possible to understand it without reading its prequel. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to leave a review! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, sadly. **

_"There were sounds in my head… Little voices whispering… That I should go and this should end… Oh and I found myself listening…"_

--"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

Sara sat in the back of the taxicab staring out the window and watching the bright lights of Vegas flash by. She could feel the familiar numbness beginning to settle in. She had no idea where she was going; she only knew that she needed to leave.

Sara was a survivor. Her rocky childhood had set in motion her pained existence at an alarmingly early age. She had never really had a home. From the time she was old enough to remember she had been subject to the horrors of an abusive household. She was only ten when she watched her mother brutally stab her father to death, destroying the last broken fragments of what could barely be considered a family. At the time she had almost felt relief but nothing could shake from her the terrifying memories that would haunt her forever. In foster care she became a ghost, barely present to those around her. She made herself invisible and numb to all feeling. She felt no joy but in return she did not suffer any more pain.

It was early on in high school when she discovered that there could still be some meaning in her life. Taking an immediate interest in forensic science, she had made it her single goal to eliminate crime. If she survived long enough to save someone else from her own horrific fate, then maybe she wouldn't feel worthless.

This was Sara's plan and for the first 22 years of her life it worked well for her. By the time she entered college she was a powerhouse. During the week she went to school and mixed drinks at a local coffee shop. On the weekends she got smashed and partied with the guys in her dorm. On the outside she appeared to be normal and sometimes she almost felt that she was.

It was just as she was beginning graduate school that her life swerved in an unexpected direction. Sara thought she was prepared for anything. That was until she met Dr. Gilbert Grissom.

Just the sight of Grissom had melted her defenses. His calming demeanor, his seemingly endless knowledge, his love for humanity. That first night she spent with him she had been giddy, a princess in a fairytale world. It had never occurred to her that he would reject her, that he might not feel the same way.

Being in a public area, one of San Francisco's most popular sushi bars, Sara was able to easily slide back into her lifeless demeanor. She was able to act calm, like it was no big deal that he didn't want her; that her heart wasn't breaking. With any other man she wouldn't have needed to pretend. With any other man she could have continued to be just as she was.

Not with Grissom though. His rejection was like a slap on the face, except the sting never left her. It jolted her instantly from her daydreams and before she knew it the pain that she had taken such care to avoid was again pressing upon her, burning at her insides. She didn't have room for any more heartbreak but she didn't think she could be numb any longer. Grissom was a breath of life to her. Now that she knew how wonderful living could be, surviving was no longer an option.

She had hung on for him. Just in case the impossible became possible. And by some miracle, it did. Several long and painful years later he was hers. For the first time in her lonely life, Sara was loved. For the first time, she felt safe and secure.

The last thing she had expected was that she would be the one to leave. Her entire life she had been searching for a place to stay and Vegas had been the only place that had ever felt remotely like home. But she had finally learned to trust herself and something inside her told her she had to go.

Still staring out the window, she realized the lights of Vegas had long disappeared behind her. A lone tear fell silently down her cheek. She missed him already. She knew she was lost without him. Her heart wrenched as she realized that was exactly the reason she had to go.

--

Grissom slowly unfolded the envelope with shaking hands. As he read her letter he could hear the anguish that would have been present in her voice had she spoken the words aloud.

_Gil,_

_You know I love you… I feel I've loved you forever…. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired._

_Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry._

_No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen._

_Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will._

_Goodbye._

The last word wrung in his head, placing a chill over his heart.

_Goodbye._

It sounded so final. He tried to force himself to face it's blunt reality but he didn't want to think about what life would be without Sara. He didn't want to remember what it felt like to be alone.

Gil had always been a loner. Due to his unusual interests, even as a child he had few friends. While his peers were playing superheroes and riding bicycles, Gil was building ant farms and dissecting road kill. He became accustomed to a solitary life and found that his need for human contact was little.

Where his social skills failed him, his intelligence soared. His mother lost the last of her hearing when he was only six and by his eighth birthday he was fluent in sign language. A year later his father died and he became the man of the house.

After the death of her husband, Gil's mother fell into a severe depression and he spent the majority of his teenage years caring for her. It was perhaps the loneliest time of his life. He barely spoke, communicating in sign to his mother and avoiding as much social contact with others as possible. Reaching college was a relief for him. His mother had finally recovered enough that he felt safe to leave her.

In college he was much the same as he had always been. He had no friends and barely dated. He spent the majority of his time in coffee shops pouring over textbooks about bugs and forensics. Upon graduating from UCLA with a Ph.D. he achieved his dream of becoming a forensic entomologist. After spending some time in a few different cities he finally settled on a job in the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

It was there that he had his first serious relationship, which ultimately became his first heartbreak. Barbara Thompson, his long term girlfriend and eventually fiancé, left him for another man shortly after their engagement. She had faked her own kidnapping with the hope that he would suffer less pain in losing her. When Grissom discovered the truth, he never quite got over it. He promised himself he would never love again. It was better to be alone and not feel the agony of rejection. If he stayed closed off, he might be lonely but at least he was used to it. He wouldn't allow himself to be hurt again.

Despite his determination, no promise he made to himself could have prepared him for the day he met Sara Sidle. She was first person that he spotted in the large crowd of graduate students at his seminar in San Franscisco. Wavy brown hair and a dazzling smile had flashed up at him as he began his lecture. He was so entranced that when she came up to ask him questions afterwards, he completely forgot his rule and invited her to dinner.

It was when she invited him over to her apartment that he finally was able to gain control of himself. He gave her the old excuse that his job prevented him from having relationships and flew back to Vegas the next day, figuring in a week he would forget all about it. He didn't know it then, but he would spend the next several years in misery as he attempted to stick to his decision.

Recalling the time and energy spent to push her away made his head ache painfully. He had wasted so much precious time and now it was too late. Looking down at the letter in his hands he suddenly realized how tightly he was gripping it. The paper was crumpled and ripped where his fingers had dug into it. He was tempted to finish the job and tear it into a thousand tiny pieces but instead he laid it on his desk and tried to smooth out the wrinkles. It was Sara's last words to him and no matter how painful he didn't want to loose them.

Quietly he took a seat at his desk and put his head in his hands. It wasn't long before he was choking back sobs.

"Sara…" He whispered to himself.

"Oh Sara…"

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the great reviews on the first chapter! Please keep them coming!**

_"I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call... You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all..."_

--"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

_The man stumbled drunk across the dark alleyway. Though it was nearly midnight in Vegas, the dinging of slot machines and pounding of party music were only a distant buzz. Here in the darkest, most quiet corner of sin city the man sat himself down on the curb, relieved to finally be alone._

_It was just as he thought he had found peace when he heard screams from above him. He jumped up, angry at first, but that soon turned to terror. It was a woman who screamed and her cries were of the deepest sorrow._

_His instinct to save her far outweighed any other desire. He turned to face the building, desperately searching for an entry. When he found none, he ran to the other side but was again disappointed. _

_He panicked, continuing to run in circles, searching and searching for an entrance. But there was no way in. No doors and no windows. Just a brick tower stretching further than his eyes could see._

_The screaming continued, and feeling helpless he sat back down and began crying. It was then that he remembered something he had told the woman he loved long ago._

_"I want to save you and I want to fix you, but I can't bear the thought of what would happen to you if someday I'm not there to do so... I need you to be able to look after yourself."_

_There were no doors or windows, no entrance to the building, because whoever this woman was, she didn't want to be saved. She was going to save herself._

_It was at this realization, that the screams faded and the alleyway became silent once more. For the rest of the night the man sat by the building turning his thoughts around in his head. Even if he couldn't save her, he presumed, he could still stand by her. He could still be her invisible support…_

"Grissom!" A woman shouted, her voice a distant echo.

"Grissom!"

He opened his eyes and sat up groggily. The room around him was an intense blur and it took several moments for his vision to adjust to it. His eyes fell on the clock on his desk. It was exactly one hour before the night shift would begin. He must have fallen asleep in his office.

"Grissom!" Catherine cried impatiently for the third time.

"Yes Catherine…?" He answered tiredly, while attempting to smooth out his hair.

"You might want to go home and shower."

He didn't respond but instead stared at a picture on his desk in which Sara's warm smile radiated up at him.

He felt Catherine nudge him.

"I'm sorry… what was that?"

She gave him a death glare.

"I said you should go home and shower before shift starts."

"Oh. Okay." He stood up slowly, stretching. It wasn't until he was halfway around his desk that he realized Catherine was still standing there, watching him expectantly.

"What?" He snapped.

"Are you okay?"

"Why?" He was beginning to feel annoyed.

"You were muttering Sara's name in your sleep…"

"Oh." And then. "I'm fine."

He brushed passed her before she could say another word.

--

Sara awoke to a distant moaning that carried easily through the hotel's paper-thin walls. She could tell from the sounds that the couple next door was enjoying an early evening orgasm. Sara glared at the wall and then rolled over to check the clock. It was almost five.

Sighing, she got out of bed and began the mechanics of the day. She had to move quickly if she was going to catch her 8:15 flight to San Francisco. While she showered and packed up her things she tried not to think about Grissom. She had already done enough thinking while trying to fall asleep that morning.

It was just as she was walking out the door that the shrill ring of her cell phone cut through the air. For a moment she froze and then she slowly pulled it from her pocket. One new voice message. She breathed a sigh of relief and dialed her mailbox.

Her relief turned to agony the minute she heard Grissom's small voice coming from the receiver.

"Sara… I understand… what you need to do. And I won't call you again if that's what you need. I just wanted to say that I'm here for you. Your invisible support. If you need anything I'll be there right away… I love you Sara."

Click.

Fresh tears were sliding down her face. She saved the message, though she doubted she would be able to listen to it again. She wanted to call him back but only to leave a return message. She knew she wouldn't be able to speak to him in person without breaking down. Checking her watch she saw that it was shortly after six, which would mean he was in the lab. She flipped open her phone and quickly dialed his home number, holding her breath while it rang.

"Hello, you've reached the home of Gil and Sara. We're not in right now so please leave a message."

She nearly choked. She never called him on the home phone and so therefore she had never heard the message on his machine. On _their_ machine.

"Gil…" She whispered shakily once she recovered herself enough to speak.

"I got your message… Thank you… I'm fine… and I will call if I need anything… I'm going to San Francisco to visit my mother… I miss you… I do need time alone though…. So I'll call you when I feel that I can talk… I love you too…"

Her voice faded and she snapped her phone shut. She bit her lip hard, not pausing when she felt herself draw blood. She would not cry anymore. She would be strong.

--

Instead of going home, Grissom showered in the lab and dressed in the spare clothing he kept in his locker. Truth be told, he was afraid to face the emptiness.

He left the locker room deep in thought becoming so distracted that he nearly walked into Brass on the way to his office.

"Are you okay?"

He was getting sick of that question and he hadn't even told anyone that Sara had left yet.

"I'm fine." He replied frustrated.

"Okay, okay… Catherine just said that—"

"I'm fine, Jim."

Again he ended the conversation by walking away.

When he reached his office he pulled the new cases from a folder on his desk and sorted through them more quickly than normal. Then he made his way to the break room where the team sat waiting for him.

"Took you long enough!" Greg complained.

Catherine glared at him.

"I told you he was running late!"

"Yeah you did… but look who else isn't here yet." He pointed to the seat opposite him where Sara usually sat.

"Enough!" Grissom said sternly, causing the conversation to cease immediately.

"Warrick and Catherine… 419 in an alleyway. Greg and Nick, you guys have got a dead waitress at the Tangiers."

They all just stared at him as he handed out the case overviews.

"What about you?" Nick finally asked. "And Sara?"

"I'm going to be doing paperwork." He didn't answer Nick's second question and no one dared to pry further.

Slowly they exited the room. Grissom watched them all go, knowing that the minute he was out of earshot they would be discussing his strange behavior and Sara's absence. He wasn't going to able to keep Sara's departure a secret for long. He just wasn't ready yet. No matter how he felt he promised himself he would tell them by the beginning of the next day's shift. He owed them the truth; after all they cared about her too.

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry about the delay in updates! I just got back from vacation and I didn't have access to a computer while I was gone. Luckily I handwrote the majority of this chapter and all I had to do was type it up. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews please keep them coming. They truly do motivate me and are greatly appreciated :)**

"_Cos' I don't know who I am, who I am without you… All I know is that I should… And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you… All I know is that I should…"_

--"Where I Stood" By Missy Higgins

Grissom jumped at the harsh tapping on his office door. He looked up to see Catherine peeking in the window and waving. He nodded towards her to let her know she could come in.

"Hi Catherine." He greeted her plainly without looking up from his paperwork.

"Hello Grissom."

Sighing, he set his pen down and raised his brows at her. The sooner he gave Catherine his undivided attention, the sooner she would leave.

"What's going on?"

He just gave her a confused look so she probed further.

"With you? And Sara…? Are you guys getting married or something? You've been wearing that ring for like two months now and you still won't admit to being engaged."

Grissom winced but Catherine seemed not to notice as she continued rambling.

"Or Is she pregnant because you've been acting rather strangely and Sara… well I haven't seen her since last shift and she's been really moody…"

"Catherine." She stopped quickly at the harsh firmness in his voice.

"This is really none of your business."

His tone was deadly, carrying a terrifying ring that she had only heard him use during interviews with disturbing suspects. She had never been afraid of Gil Grissom once, until now.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you." She managed to choke out as she turned and strode from his office. She wanted to brush it off, but she could feel the wetness on the tips of her eyelids. At that moment though, she couldn't know how much pain her concern had caused him.

--

With Catherine gone, Grissom should have been able to easily divert his attention back to his paperwork. Instead, all he could do was fiddle with the golden band on his left hand.

_Had Sara given hers back or thrown it away? Did she keep it? Was she expecting him to wait for her? Was she coming back?_

He stared at her picture on his desk and made a decision. If she hadn't given back the ring then he would assume she had kept it and he would keep his. If she had left it to him, then he would put both rings somewhere safe just in case she changed her mind and came back someday. He knew he would never be able to have a serious relationship with another woman. If she didn't come back, he would be alone forever.

--

By the time she arrived in San Francisco, Sara was exhausted and in no mood for the overwhelming craziness that greeted her at the airport. She felt her body become paralyzed and her heartbeat quicken rapidly as she stepped into the terminal and beheld the crowds of people rushing frantically to their gates. She could hear announcements about airport safety and baggage claim over the intercom and somewhere close by a child was screaming. These along with the usual bustle and chatter did nothing but heighten her anxiety.

Attempting to calm herself she stood to the side and concentrated on her breathing. As she scanned the room her eyes fell upon the bathroom signs and she sighed in relief. She strode forward into the crowd making her way straight for the family bathroom. After a few moments alone she knew she would be okay. She was just turning the door handle when she heard someone shouting her name.

"Hey Sara! Sara Sidle!"

She wanted to ignore whoever it was and disappear into the bathroom but something in the voice stopped her. She dropped her hand and whirled around to face a tall, slender, young man with a head of wild black curls and a familiar puppy-dog smile.

"Patrick!" She shrieked, all anxiety forgotten.

He laughed and pulled her into a brotherly hug while she marveled at the time that had gone by since she'd last seen him. She could feel an air of confidence about him that had not existed during their rookie days together in the San Francisco Crime Lab.

"How are you?" She asked him when they finally broke apart.

"I'm doing well, yourself?"

"I'm good." She said automatically but she could hear how fake the words sounded in her mouth.

He looked as if he was about to dig deeper but she stopped him with another question.

"You're still at the San Francisco crime lab?"

"Uh huh. What brings you this way? Sick of Vegas?"

"Something like that." She replied, trying to keep her tone light.

"You married? Kids?" He gestured to the extravagant diamond she wore on her left hand.

For a moment she was rendered speechless as her body went numb and Grissom's face flooded her mind.

"I'm engaged."

She winced.

"Was engaged."

He nodded awkwardly clearly embarrassed that he had mentioned the subject.

"Well listen… If you uh… want go to the dinner sometime… uh… you still have my phone number?"

"Yes." She replied quietly.

"Alright… call me sometime, it was great to see you…"

He gave her a quick hug and waved as he ventured back into the crowd. Once he was out of sight Sara grabbed the door handle and went inside the bathroom, bolting the door behind her.

The memories of Grissom choked her as she leaned against the bathroom wall and felt herself slide slowly to the ground. She was glad the terminal had the family restrooms in addition to the main stalls. She wouldn't have been able to release her tears in a room full of other women, even if they couldn't see her.

Until Patrick had asked, she hadn't put much thought into the status of her engagement. In fact she hadn't even considered returning the ring. She wondered if Grissom had trashed his ring and she felt the knot in her stomach tighten at the thought. She hoped he hadn't. Though it was selfish, she wanted him to wait for her, even if she wasn't coming back. She wanted him to always love her.

--

The following evening Grissom stood unwillingly in front of his team, a stack of assignments clutched nervously in his right hand. As usual they were chattering away, oblivious to his presence while they passed time awaiting the start of the shift.

Watching them smile and joke only made it more difficult to ask for their attention. He wished he could just turn around and walk away, leaving them to chat happily without a care in the world. He still did not feel ready to tell them about Sara and yet somewhere inside he knew he never would be.

He still had not gone home. Refusing to face the reality of her absence he had stayed over night at a hotel and called a neighbor to take care of the dog, assuming Sara had not taken him with her.

Announcing Sara's departure to the team would be the equivalent of walking into his empty townhouse. He would not be able to lie to himself any longer.

Taking a deep breath, Grissom cleared his throat, indicating to his team to become silent. Almost instantly eyes focused on him and mouths became motionless.

He cleared his throat once more out of nerves and then began to speak.

"I uh… have your assignments here." He held the stack of papers up so they could see it.

"But before I hand them out I have an announcement to make… regarding Sara."

His eyes darted around the room taking in the expressions of each of his team members. Greg looked confused and Nick worried. Warrick's face was completely blank and impossible to read. In contrast to the others Catherine's eyes sparkled with excitement and a knowing smile played across her lips.

Grissom felt his stomach twist uncomfortably as he realized that Catherine was still expecting that they were getting married or that Sara was pregnant. He tried not to picture how that expression would change in a moment when he told them all the truth.

"Sara… she uh… needs some time… Since she was kidnapped she has been struggling with some things… She has family problems she needs to deal with…"

His eyes were wet and his voice was choking on every word.

"Sara's gone." He finally managed to say as he dropped the assignments on the table and covered his face with his hands.

Moments later he felt someone's arms wrapping themselves tightly around him and he uncovered his face to accept the embrace. His eyes met Catherine's and he leaned on her shoulder and let the tears flow freely down his cheeks. Nick, Warrick, and Greg stood close by mumbling words of comfort.

When Catherine finally let go his eyes were red but the crying had stopped. Standing in the center of the group he suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable. However, before he could excuse himself Catherine broke the silence.

"Listen Gil. Why don't you take a couple days off? I can take over while you're gone and that way you can--"

"I'm fine Catherine." He interrupted her, a note of finality in his voice.

"Come on man, you need some time--"

"No Nikki, I need to work." The anger in his tone immediately ceased any more protests the team may have been planning to throw at him.

He began to leave but then stopped when he remembered that the assignments were still sitting on the table.

"Catherine…" He said without turning to face her.

"You could help me by handing out everyone's assignments."

Before she could reply, he was gone.

TBC…


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here is the next chapter... there are references to sexual abuse in this chapter and although it isn't explicit, I just wanted to warn everyone because it could be triggering. Also, I wrote the poem that Grissom reads in this chapter a long time ago and I thought it fit nicely with the situation so I added it in. Hope everyone enjoys and please review!**

_"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."_

--Unknown

Sara's silky brown hair followed her into the reception area of the San Francisco jailhouse.

"May I help you?" The woman at the counter asked her kindly.

"Yes, I'm here to visit my mother." She answered as she stepped forward.

"Her name?"

"Laura Sidle."

Sara fidgeted nervously as the woman typed the information into the computer, her eyes darting back and forth between the screen and keyboard.

"Your name?" The woman asked when she had located her mother in the system.

"Sara Sidle."

"May I see your I.D. please?"

Sara nodded and dug inside her bag for her wallet. After extracting it, it took a moment for her to sort through its contents. Finally she found her driver's license wedged between her CSI identification card and a gift card to Barnes and Nobles.

"You're a CSI?" The woman asked, staring at Sara's things.

Annoyed, Sara handed over her driver's license and stuffed everything back into her bag not bothering to reorganize her wallet.

"I was." She said shortly as the woman handed her back her I.D.

"Please sign in. Your escort will be here in a few minutes." The woman replied quickly, detecting the lack of enthusiasm Sara had for discussing her former career.

Sara nodded and filled in her name and phone number. She paused at the space for her address because at the moment, she had none. Having reached San Francisco the night previous, she was staying at a hotel downtown. Making a quick decision, she scribbled in the address to Grissom's townhouse trying to ignore the lump in her stomach that reminded her she was still pretending she hadn't left.

She was about to sit down when the door to her left opened and a young policeman stepped out of it.

"Sara Sidle?"

"Yes?"

"Follow me."

--

"Ecklie's been on me to finish the monthly stats, so I need a list of all the lab call-outs from dispatch as soon as you can."

"You'll have it by tomorrow." Brass replied, as he followed Grissom down the hallway.

"Thanks."

"So… you've been pulling a lot of doubles this week." He commented.

"It's about all I do." Grissom replied, avoiding the detective's gaze.

"Have you been in touch with Sara?"

"We've talked a little." He answered, deciding to skip over the fact that it had only been through phone messages.

"So where's she at?"

Grissom walked into his office and Brass followed him.

"She's in San Francisco, visiting her mother."

"No, I mean -- that's nice, but I meant where's she at emotionally? You know, with respect to the two of you."

Clearly ready for the conversation to be over Grissom turned and met Jim's eyes with a piercing glare.

"I can't speak for her."

"Then speak for yourself."

"I don't have time to talk about this, I'm really busy."

Before Brass could reply his colleague grabbed a folder and left, moving quickly down the hallway and out of sight. Brass sighed and stared after him, knowing that there was nothing he could say or do to help his heartbroken friend.

--

Sara shifted awkwardly in her chair as she stared across the table at her mother.

Laura Sidle had changed drastically since the last time Sara had seen her. Now in her early sixties, her long years spent in the jailhouse had left her face withered with wrinkles and her skin stretched tightly across her bones. Sara was also surprised to see familiar white scars lining both her forearms. Clearly she shared a similar need to self-punish.

"It's good to see you Sara." Her mom finally said, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"You too…" Her voice trailed off as she attempted to form the question she had come to ask.

"How have you been? Do have a family? Kids? Are you still a CSI?"

Sara lost her concentration with the wave of questions coming at her.

"I've been fine. No family, no kids…"

She paused.

"And I just quit my job as a CSI."

Her mother nodded.

"You're engaged though."

"Dammit!" Sara cursed under her breath.

"No, I'm not!" She said more loudly, wrenching the ring from her finger and stuffing it inside her coat pocket.

Her mother looked surprised but said nothing.

"Mom… why did you do it?" She finally asked, her lip trembling.

"Do what?"

"Why did you kill my father?"

A look of anger flashed across her face.

"I would think you would have figured it out by now."

"I have my guesses but I never heard it from you. We never talked about it." Sara replied softly.

Her mother sighed and wiped the tears that were building up on her eyelids.

"I did it for you."

--

_Such brilliance... She thought she could never feel_

_Yet sad, she is still..._

_A part of her feels missing, yet she has just become whole..._

_But she's still searching, deep inside her soul..._

_So bittersweet... she laughs, she cries..._

_So disastrously beautiful... she smiles and sighs..._

_A change so wonderful, and yet it brings her pain..._

_Because this is the way of life and some things will never be the same..._

"All right, Grissom. That's it for me. I'm out of here."

Grissom looked up from the poem he was reading trying to seem unfazed by the emotions it brought up for him.

"Have a nice day."

Nick nodded but didn't make a move to leave.

"Yes?" Grissom asked after several moments of silence.

"Yeah, I'm going over to Frank's to grab something to eat. I'll probably be there for at least an hour if you want to ... if you want to join me."

Grissom shook his head.

"You know, we don't have to talk about anything in particular. Just two guys having breakfast. I just don't think it's good for people to be alone too much."

"I'm sorry Nick, but I have work to do." He said firmly without looking up.

"Alright, alright… well invitation still stands if you change your mind."

He cast Grissom one last nervous glance before leaving.

--

Sara's car swerved in a angry motion as she headed back towards her hotel, her mother's words still ringing in her ears. She played the conversation over and over, hoping to repress the irrational guilt that seemed to overwhelm her.

_"For me? Didn't you do it for yourself?"_

_"My life wasn't worth that much Sara."_

"_Well he was hitting you, not me!"_

_"Hitting was nothing compared to what he did to you!"_

She pulled over to the side of the road as her body shook with sobs. The memories that she had shut out for so long were suddenly in the front of her mind pushing at her core, demanding entry and acceptance. She hadn't known that her mother had been aware of the hell her father had put her through. She hadn't a clue that her mother knew she had been sexually abused.

She had always assumed her mother murdered to protect herself, but now she knew that wasn't so. Though Sara's mind tried desperately to make her see that none of it was her fault, her heart could only feel guilt.

Her hands shook as she dug through her pocket to find the pack of cigarettes she had bought earlier, just in case she felt a need to calm her nerves. Instead she pulled out her engagement ring and as she slipped it back on her finger she suddenly felt comforted.

Taking out her phone she dialed a familiar number and tried to calm her breathing as she listened to it ring.

TBC…


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry it took so long. I'm changing the rating to "M" now because I feel like it's getting iffy. Hope you enjoy and don't forget to leave a review!**

_"I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky, and all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by."_

-- John Masefield

_There were lights everywhere. Flashing bright, burning his eyes. He could feel the overbearing thickness of the sweaty air curling around him and the pounding of the music splitting open his eardrums._

_He needed to escape, but there was no way out except for the glass in his hand. Tilting his head back, he downed the shot in one gulp, sending a shiver through his body and blurring his vision. _

_He stood up, slamming the glass down on the table and stumbled his way over to the dance floor. There were women everywhere here, in this sin city. They cascaded around him, their half-naked bodies shimmering in the flashing lights, tempting him with their suggestive movements and their fiery eyes._

_His body out of control, he fell against them, being pushed back and forth like a soccer ball until, a tall brunette wound her arms around his waste and steered him off into a private corner._

"_I think you've had a little too much to drink, Sir." She whispered, smiling seductively while running her hands up and down his body._

_He shuddered at her touch and responded to her advances by placing a hand on the silky fabric that covered her left breast._

"_What's your name?" He asked breathlessly as their lips touched lightly._

"_Sara… my name is Saaaraa…"_

_He felt his erection pressing against his pants impatiently as they ground their bodies together, The rest of the room faded away, she __**was **__his escape. No more earsplitting music or suffocating air. No more blinding lights or the sour taste of vodka._

_Just the two of them, doing the thing they did best. Making the rest of the world disappear._

Ringgggggggggggg!

Ringgggggggggggg!

"Grissom!"

He jolted awake, discovering, to his dismay, that he had fallen asleep at his desk yet again.

It took him a moment to process what was going on.

"Your phone is ringing!" Catherine said quickly, in an attempt to help him collect himself.

He just stared at her blankly.

"Grissom, aren't you going to answer it?" She asked, exasperated.

"It's probably just Ecklie again, he's been bugging me about the situation with Sara."

Catherine nodded slowly.

"Hey, by the way, how are you?"

Grissom frowned.

"Why?"

"I can't ask how you're doing?" She said, challenging him.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I've had a lot of… I've been busy."

Catherine raised her eyebrows, not at all fooled by his lame excuse.

"Well, maybe you should take a few days off, for once in your career. I mean, you've got enough stored up. Go after her."

"It's not what she wants." He answered, shifting papers around on his desk.

"Well, what do you want?" Catherine pushed.

"I want her to be happy."

"That's sweet, Gil, really sweet. But honestly, you don't look like your handling this so well. Have you even been home since she left?"

He stopped shifting and met her eyes.

"Just to grab my mail and check my messages... I've been staying in a hotel." He confessed.

She sighed, frustrated.

"Go _home_, Gil. Right now. Shift is over and their isn't anything pressing enough for overtime. At least give yourself that much."

--

Sara pounded her fists against the steering wheel at the sound of Grissom's voicemail.

_Why wasn't he answering his phone? Was he ignoring her? Was he angry? She shouldn't have called him. She needed to be on her own right now. Why was it that she was always so goddamn helpless?_

Breathing hard, she let her arms fall back to her side and the tears settle in her eyes. As she calmed down she felt a strange wave of dizziness take over her, but she shook it off quickly. After refastening her seatbelt, she turned the engine back on and peeled onto the road. She spent the entire ride back to her hotel trying to convince herself that she was okay.

--

Gil pushed the key in the lock and opened his door. He cringed at the silence that met his ears. Besides Sergeant's barking there had never been much noise in their home. Regardless, Sara's absence had caused the tone to shift. He hadn't noticed it as much during his quick in-and-out the other day. Now, however, he could really feel the difference. It was colder, emptier… lonelier.

Maybe it would get better when he picked up Sergeant from the neighbors. _Maybe_.

Grissom sighed and made his way in. Without hesitation, he went straight for his home office because he knew it was the one place that hadn't changed.

--

Sara flipped her phone shut and lay back on her hotel bed exhausted. She had just spent three hours trying to find a well-priced apartment. The next day she was going to visit four different possibilities and she was praying that one of them would work. She couldn't afford to be paying hotel expenses much longer.

She needed to find a job soon as well but she was trying to put it off as long as she could. Of all the things she needed to do in order to begin her new life, finding a job would be the hardest. She had left Vegas to get away from crime and yet her job as a CSI was all she'd ever known. She needed something low-key that would help her to pay the bills while not overwhelming her. She wasn't sure if such a job existed.

She was just pondering this when her phone began to buzz. Jumping in surprise, she leaned over to look at the caller ID.

It was Patrick. _Ugh._ Was her initial thought, but she answered it anyways.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Sara, it's me, Patrick!"

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Pretty good. Listen I figured you might need a job now that you're back. Since I'm a supervisor and I'm actually looking for another employee, I was thinking you might be interested…?"

"That's nice Patrick, but I—"

She stopped mid-sentence, feeling her stomach lurch.

"Sara?"

"I feel si… sick. Lemme call you back!" Was all she managed to gulp out before she dropped her phone and dashed into the bathroom.

She made it just in time to throw up all over the bathroom sink.

After washing up, she curled up in bed with a large bowl of ice cream and watched soap operas. She didn't call Patrick back that night.

TBC…


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey, I'm back! I am so sorry for the lack of updates. I'm just beginning to adjust to working and going to school at the same time but I'm going to try harder to update more often. My goal is to rotate each week between updating my two fanfics, which means I should have a new chapter posted for this one every other week. Hopefully things will settle down in awhile and I'll be able to update for frequently. Anyways, please review and I hope you enjoy!**

"_Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."_

--Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Sara awoke the next morning feeling nauseous and unbelievably tired. Dragging herself out of bed she began to stumble around, getting ready to leave for her day of apartment searching. She was just pulling her clothes off to get in the shower when she felt the same lurching in her stomach she had experienced the night before. Reacting quickly, she bent down and clutched the edges of the toilet as her breakfast came up.

When she was finished she flushed the toilet and sat down, leaning against the bathroom wall. She couldn't identify what it was but all of a sudden she felt incredibly sad. It wasn't long until she was pressing her face to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

Slowly she scooted towards the shower, climbing in and reaching up to turn the water on as high as it would go. As she felt her skin burn under the scorching pressure her eyes caught sight of her razor, which was temptingly placed on a rack just above her. Her whole body began shaking as she stood and reached for it. Instead of picking it up though, she surprised herself by knocking it purposefully to the bathroom floor.

Breathing hard, she felt her legs give in and again found herself curled up on the shower floor.

"Grissom loves me… Grissom loves me…" She whispered to herself over and over again until she was out of tears.

--

Grissom flipped his phone open tiredly to check his messages. The past several days had been long and painful and now that he was home he just wanted to close his eyes and sleep.

To his great surprise and relief there were no messages, however he did notice he had one missed call. He absentmindedly pulled up the number while making his way towards his bedroom. He was halfway there when he caught sight of the familiar digit combination and panic overtook him.

It was Sara.

Forgetting his exhaustion he speed-dialed her and paced his living room nervously.

_How could he have been so careless? What if she had needed him? And all because he ASSUMED it was Ecklie…_

"Please answer…" He pleaded into the phone.

"Hey, you've reached Sara. I can't pick up right now but I'll get back to you if you leave a message."

"Dammit!" Grissom said loudly just before the phone beeped.

He paused for a moment unsure of whether he should leave a message.

"Sara…" He practically whispered.

Then he continued slightly louder, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

"Sara, I'm sorry I missed your call. I hope you are okay. Please call me. I love you and I miss you."

He hung up feeling helpless.

--

Despite being sick, Sara refused to miss her appointments. She couldn't wait any longer to get an apartment. To her great relief it only took her two stops to find a suitable place. Though it was a small one-room studio it had an amazing view. As painful as it was for her to admit, it was all a single person needed. For living alone, an apartment any bigger would have made her feel empty, like there was extra space someone was supposed to fill. Deep down she knew that no matter how small the space, there would always be that knot in her stomach, reminding her what was missing. She tried not to think about it too much though.

That night she packed up her things and prepared to check out from her hotel the following morning. She was just putting away the last of her toiletries when she became aware of her phone buzzing.

Sighing she dug it out of her purse and flipped it open. She had three new messages.

She groaned and dialed her voicemail, realizing that she had forgotten to return Patrick's call.

Sure enough the first two messages were from him, both in which he sounded wildly anxious and confused. It was the third message that surprised her though and she felt her body freeze as Grissom's worried voice flooded her ear.

She was crying again instantly. Just the sound of his voice made her heart spilt in too.

_How could she have left him? She loved him. She needed him._

Again she felt her stomach churn uncomfortably and she got up slowly heading towards the bathroom. It was somewhere between breaking into a run and puking her entire dinner into the bathroom sink that she finally was able to connect the dots.

This time panic did not paralyze her; it forced her to move. Almost mechanically she stripped her puke-covered clothing and redressed. Then she ran swiftly out of her hotel room, through the elevator and out into the parking lot. In just five minutes she had walked the three blocks to the nearest drug store and in ten she was on her way back, a pregnancy test clutched tightly in her shaking hands.

When she made it back into her room, her heart was pounding so hard she thought her chest would burst open.

Twenty minutes later she was experiencing a full-blown panic attack.

--

It was the beginning of shift and Grissom was pacing his office nervously. He had asked Catherine to hand out assignments again but despite this, his anxiety was far from lifted.

Ever since Sara's phone call his concentration had been compromised. He knew that fieldwork would be his best hope of distraction however he felt he could not leave the safety of his office. Here he could stay holed up, pretending to do paperwork while really just pacing the room, his phone clutched tightly in his hand and the ringer turned up full volume. Here he could be sure he would not miss another call. He would not fail her again.

He was so immersed in the intensity of his anxiety that he it took three loud knocks on his door for him to realize that Catherine was standing outside it.

Sighing heavily, he set his phone down on his desk and let her in.

"Are you alright?" Catherine asked, alarmed.

"I'm fine, just fine." He replied, clearly agitated.

"Well, it's me and you on a this new serial case. We're short because Warrick's sick. You can't just hide in your office all shift."

Grissom groaned but immediately grabbed his things and followed her out the door, doing his best to avoid eye contact.

It was just as they were pulling out of the lab's parking lot in Catherine's large, shiny SUV that Grissom's phone finally rang, startling them both.

"Geez Gil, why is your phone so loud?" Catherine practically screamed as she steadied her grip on the wheel.

He didn't answer her. His only focus now was the blaring name on his caller id. Taking a deep breathe, he flipped his phone open.

"Hello?"

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Here is the next installment. Sorry again for the wait, I know I've been slacking on this fanfic but please leave a review because I would like to know how many people are still reading! Thanks!**

"_And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together… Our hands will not be taught to hold another's… Cause' we're the special two…"_

--"The Special Two" by Missy Higgins

"Gri--Grissom?"

Sara's voice came out small and shaky, causing Grissom's anxiety to turn instantly into fear.

"Sara, honey? Can you hear me? What's wrong?"

His words came out cracked and breathless and it took him a moment to notice the long silence that followed his skew of nervous questions.

"Sara?" He cried out, terrorized by the possibility that she had hung up on him.

"I'm here!" She said quickly.

"Are you alone?"

He was puzzled by her question and was a bit slow to answer.

"No… no, I'm with Catherine. We're driving to a crime scene."

"Please call me as soon as you are alone."

Before he could respond there was a loud click as she hung up on him.

"What was that about?" Catherine asked him as he sat in stunned silence.

He completely ignored her question and instead asked one of his own.

"Can you handle this case by yourself for a few hours?"

--

Sara dropped her phone immediately after she flipped it shut. It clattered to the ground and she groaned as she bent down to assess the damage.

Just as her hand touched it though, it rang, surprisingly her greatly.

She flipped it open immediately.

"Grissom…?" Her voice was still shaky and she was almost annoyed that he had called her back so quickly.

"Ah… no it's Patrick."

Sara let out a few deep breaths.

"Oh hi." She replied awkwardly.

"Are you okay…?" He asked shyly, after a moment of hesitation.

"I'm fine."

"Uh… you don't sound so fine."

"Well I am, really. I've just been super busy!" She said adding in a fake laugh.

He did not laugh back.

"I don't believe you. Why don't you come over? I was going to order a pizza, since as we both know, I can't cook."

His voice sounded hopeful and for a moment Sara was distracted from her inner turmoil.

"Uh…."

"Come on! You need some friends now that you're living here!"

Sara hesitated for a moment, unsure of exactly how to turn him down without hurting his feelings.

"Look Patrick, I really do appreciate the offer but I have to get up early tomorrow. I'm moving into my new apartment and it's going to be a long day."

"Oh… okay." He sounded disappointed.

"Some other time?" She asked, immediately regretting her offer when he responded.

"Yeah, sounds great! Can I take you out tomorrow night to celebrate moving into your new apartment?"

"Sure." Sara replied, defeated.

"I'll pick you up at 6:30?"

"Fine… but Patrick?"

"Yes?" He asked tentatively.

"This is not a date."

"Oh."

--

Grissom tapped his feet nervously as his cab sat in traffic. The rain had started just as Catherine dropped him off at the nearest gas station where he had immediately called a taxi. Getting home wasn't supposed to be this difficult but between the rare but heavy storm and the overflow of tourism on the strip, it could take awhile.

"Can't you go on the back streets or something?" He asked his already agitated cab driver.

"If you want to get mugged."

Grissom rolled his eyes.

"It's hell out there. I believe the risk is diminished significantly."

The cab driver sighed and turned onto a side street as soon as the traffic moved in front of him.

"Where to?" He grunted.

Grissom glanced up at the street signs and began giving him directions. After a quick ten minutes of winding in and out of different neighborhoods, the cab stopped in front of the townhouse.

"Thank you." Grissom said quickly as he shoved a bill in his hand.

He ran inside opening the door quickly and slamming it behind him. He didn't bother to remove his shoes and coat and instead grabbed his phone from his pocket, taking residence on his living room sofa.

--

Sara sat on her bed trying to clear her head. She sorely wished she had not agreed to have dinner with Patrick but there were more pressing things on her mind at the moment. She decided she would go back to packing her things while she waited for Grissom's call. As she folded her underwear she tried to ignore the strange sensation that seemed to travel throughout her body.

Now that the shock was wearing off, there was a strange sadness that seemed to seep from within her. It felt like the emotional equivalent of blood gushing from an open wound.

This body, no, this _person_ that grew inside her was all she had left of a wonderful possibility that she had just thrown away. She didn't know if she wanted it, but she didn't know if she could give it up either.

_And what would he say? Would he run to her or away from her? Would he shut her out? Would he beg her to return? What if he didn't want the child at all? What if he didn't love her anymore?_

She shook herself violently. _This is silly; I've only been gone a few days._

She lay back on her bed smiling tiredly as she relived the happy moments that had brought her into this situation.

_She walked into the townhouse, broken down… exhausted. Grissom was back though and that made her happy. He had been gone for a while, following a case all the way to New York. She had missed him._

"_Hey…" She whispered while slowly slipping out of her clothes as he flipped off the TV program he was watching._

"_Hey." He replied, smiling._

"_Did you catch him?"_

"_Mmhmm." He murmured, leaning forward to give her a small peck on the lips as she slipped into bed next to him._

_She snuggled up close to him and he put his arm around her bare shoulders. They just sat there in comfortable silence until she began to giggle as he ran his free hand up and down her leg. _

_Greatly aroused, she turned her head upwards and touched her lips to his. The kiss began slowly but it wasn't long until their mouths were completely synchronized. Soon he was pulling her on top of him and she was tugging at his boxers with a gentle urgency. _

"_Mmmmm…" She moaned softly as they flipped over. He sat back for a moment wiggling off the last of his underwear before coming down on her. _

_The thrusts were gentle and loving. Both were too exhausted to pick up the pace. But still it was wonderful. He kissed her sweetly, savoring each moment and she ran her fingers down his back, tracing circles in his skin. _

_Afterwards, the fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. It was perhaps the best night of their lives and though they didn't know it at the time, quite possibly the savior of their relationship._

Or so Sara hoped. She continued to contemplate this.

Moments later when the phone rang, she was completely calm. The bittersweet tears that had fallen from her eyes had dried on her skin. She was ready, she could only hope he was too.

She picked up the phone.

"Sara?"

"Gil."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm pregnant."

TBC…


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry for the delay again, I know I've been leaving you all hanging. Even if it takes awhile I will always continue to write this story until I finish it. Thanks to the reviewers on the last chapter and please if you are reading leave a review, I need more enthusiasm as it inspires me to write. Happy Holidays!**

"_Pull back the shield between us, and I'll kiss you, Drop your defenses and come, into my arms. I'm all for believing, I'm all for believing…"_

--"All For Believing" by Missy Higgins

* * *

"You're--- you're what?" He choked.

Of all the horrifying things he had imagined this was not one of them.

"I'm _pregnant." _She repeated, emphasizing the words clearly.

"Oh."

Silence.

"Gil…? Grissom?" She asked nervously, worried he had hung up.

"Yeah, I'm here…."

His words were muddled, shock evident beneath them.

"Are you going to say anything?" She demanded, annoyed at his usual lack of response.

"Yes…. I mean, no…. I mean I have no idea what to say…" He finished lamely.

"What do you think?" She asked, trying to keep her voice patient.

"I… think… that… that's wonderful." He replied slowly.

Sara let out a frustrated sigh.

"It's your child too."

There was another long pause.

"I know." He breathed, sounding as if he was confessing to a terrible crime.

This time they were both silent. Grissom finally spoke again.

"Are you going to come back?"

"I… I don't know." She stuttered, strangely unprepared for the question.

"Are you going to keep it?"

"Well… I thought I should discuss that with you. I didn't know if you wanted…" Her voice trailed off.

"I want you." He said tensely.

Sara nodded, despite the fact that he could not see her.

"Gil… you know I need this time." Her voice broke.

"What do you want me to do?" He asked her gently.

"I don't know… " She pushed to keep her voice steady.

"Sara, I love you and I want you to be happy. If you want this child, then I want it too but we both have to look at the current situation. Neither of us are what one would consider emotionally stable… and we aren't married, we live apart. Who knows where we will be in nine months… but is the risk worth it?"

"I want it to be." She whispered.

"Me too." He agreed just as his phone beeped.

He groaned.

"Sara, I have a call waiting. Hang on."

He answered the second call.

"Hello?"

"Grissom? It's Catherine. I'm so sorry to bother you but I need your help. It's gotten pretty crazy down here and we're shorthanded as is."

"Alright." He said, heavily.

"I'll see you in a few."

He sighed and flipped back to Sara.

"Sara?"

"Yea?"

"I'm really sorry honey but Catherine just called and she needs my help. I'll call you back as soon as I get off work though, I promise. Is that okay?"

Sara wanted to scream at him.

"Whatever, Gil. Don't worry about me. I can figure this out."

"Sara—"

The phone clicked as she hung up on him. Glumly he grabbed his field kit and headed out the door.

--

Grissom did not return home until mid-afternoon the next day. For once in his life he was glad that it was his evening off. Between Catherine's countless questions about Sara and their fruitless search for yet another serial rapist, Grissom had had enough of his work at the moment.

After stripping down to his boxers and feeding Sergeant, he slipped underneath the cool white sheets in his king-sized bed and grabbed his phone from his bedside table.

Sara had not called him since she hung up on him the night before and he had been avoiding all opportunity to call her back, despite his promise.

His stomach churned uncomfortably as he pressed her speed-dial and held the phone to his ear.

--

As expected moving into her new apartment was a stressful affair. Sara had brought little with her from Vegas and had no furniture. After checking out of her hotel and transporting her belongings she set out in search of the basics. She was not in the mood to spend hours out shopping and made her trip a quick one.

It took her twenty minutes at a single store to pick out a small four-poster bead and an oak table with two matching chairs. She then headed to a camping store and bought a sleeping bag for the night. Her furniture would be delivered the next day.

She returned home in the early afternoon and went about organizing her things as best she could. Many more shopping trips were on their way and it was a good thing she had saved her money so well.

Sara was showering when she heard her cell phone ring on her bathroom counter. Groaning, she switched off the water and grabbed a towel.

"Hello?" She answered anxiously, attempting to hold the phone to her ear while drying her hair off.

"It's me."

She wrapped the towel around her waist and sat on the edge of the bathtub.

"Hard case?" She asked quietly, all the previous night's anger forgotten.

"Yeah. I'm really sorry for taking so long to call you, I only just made it home."

"I understand."

"Thanks…" He replied awkwardly. Then he continued.

"Listen… I've been thinking all this over and I understand you need time to think and be alone but I think I should come see you and we should talk this over together. I'm positive I can get about a week off from work and I definitely have enough vacation time. It's important that we both be part of this decision."

Sara swallowed hard, feeling the tears starting to collect beneath her eyelids.

"Okay…" She agreed weakly.

"I don't know if we'll both fit in my new apartment though."

**TBC…**


	9. Chapter 9

"**People so seldom say I love you and then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didn't have to."**

**--Unkown**

"So really, how are you?"

Sara, who had her face buried in the menu, did not reply. She had managed to put off her dinner date with Patrick yet another night on the excuse that she was too tired from moving but despite this she was still less than enthusiastic about it.

"Sara?"

"Huh?" She looked up.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay. Just adjusting." She attempted her best smile.

"You seem anxious." He commented.

"Patrick, really, I'm fine. Please don't harass me!" She focused on her menu again.

"Sorry." He muttered, unsure of what else to say.

They both stayed silent until the waitress came and took their orders. Once she disappeared and Sara no longer had a menu to hide behind Patrick started the conversation again.

"So… got a job yet?" He asked as casually as possible.

"No… "

"I'm not trying to harass you but you are always welcome to join my team."

"Thanks, Patrick. I was thinking I would like something a bit more low-key though. Are you in need of an extra hand in the lab?" She met his eyes hopefully.

"Yeah, we could probably squeeze you in somewhere. Come in with me on Monday and I'll introduce you to my boss."

"Sounds good."

The rest the evening was much of the same. A conversation would start and fade quickly, veering off into awkward silences.

It was halfway through dessert when Sara's phone rang startling them both.

"I'm sorry, I need to take this." She said, as she glanced anxiously down at her caller ID, which was flashing Grissom's cell.

"No problem." He smiled at her.

Sara quickly stood up and shuffled off towards the bathrooms, only flipping her phone open when she was sure she was out of Patrick's earshot.

"Gil?" She practically whispered into the receiver. Grissom had informed her earlier that day that he would be arriving in San Francisco around 7:00 that evening.

"Hello, Sara?"

"Yeah, it's me." She said, a bit louder.

"Yeah… I just got off my flight. Would you like me to go check into my hotel and we can meet tomorrow or do want me to meet you somewhere now?"

"I'll pick you up!" She volunteered almost instantly, glad for an excuse to get away from Patrick.

"Oh okay." He sounded surprised.

"So meet me out me in front where all the cars drive by?"

"I'll be there."

Sara opened her mouth to say goodbye but he had already hung up. Though it stung her she decided to ignore it. In her experience with Grissom, and she had more than most, it was nothing personal.

After making her way back to the table, arguing with Patrick about the check, and eventually allowing him to pay it, she headed out to her car and off to the airport.

She made it there in record time. Between collecting his baggage and making a quick bathroom stop, Grissom only had to wait a total of five minutes before she parked herself in front of him.

She surprised even herself by stepping out of her car and running forward to greet him. Though they only hugged she was relieved to see that he too still wore their engagement ring.

Neither of them said much on the ride to his hotel. He was staying at the Four Seasons, which was coincidentally close to her apartment.

"You don't have to help me with my stuff." He protested as she grabbed the lighter of his two bags after parking the car across the street from the hotel.

"You don't even have to walk up with me, you could have just dropped me off."

Sara shook her head but gave no verbal response.

Once inside, she stood silently beside him throughout the entire process of checking in and when it was over followed both him and the man carting his luggage up to the suite Grissom had booked for himself.

Finally they found themselves standing alone in the living area of the extensive suite.

"Let's bring the luggage into the bedroom." Sara said softly after an awkward pause.

Grissom nodded and complied, picking up both suitcases this time.

He was halfway through the door though when he dropped the luggage and swung around, attacking her with his lips.

If this shocked her, she got over it quickly because in less than a moment she was kissing him back fiercely.

Though little time had actually passed since she left Vegas, kissing him again was the most intense relief she had felt in months.

He was a breath of life in her dark new beginning and for a moment she almost let go of him as she thought mournfully of how wonderful life could be if he were to leave his job behind for her. But she pushed those thoughts out of her head because at that moment all she wanted to feel was his love for her.

As she brought herself back into their world, she realized they had made their way to the massive bed in the next room and he had proceeded to push his hand up her shirt.

Slowly, his fingers worked their way up the soft skin on her back until they found where they could unhitch their bra. He did this with the perfect smoothness, not once letting go of her mouth, aside from taking a small breath.

After that, it was easy to fade back into their familiar rhythm. Soon they were both topless pressing their bare bodies against each other while he snuck a hand in between them every so often to squeeze her breast. At this she moaned and began to tug at his pants until eventually he relented, choosing to remove hers first as always, so he could begin by pleasuring her with his fingers.

When finally all clothing was discarded he repositioned himself quickly but smoothly so as not to deaden the arousal. His entrance into her body was tender, yet as soon as they joined, their passion intensified and their sex became rough.

They both came marvelously in sync. Clearly the pain that had separated them did not dampen their sexual connection. As they both lay quietly beside each other afterwards they began to hope that they were still just as strongly linked on an emotional level.

"We'll talk tomorrow." Gil whispered softly into her ear while wrapping himself around her.

Sara smiled internally but pretended to be asleep. She knew if she spoke now the tears would spill out in every direction.

After a few moments passed Grissom must have actually believed she was asleep because he spoke again.

"I still love you Sara." He whispered, closing his eyes.

Sara squeezed her eyes shut tighter, but said nothing.

**TBC…**

**A/N: **Please leave a review!


	10. Chapter 10

**"The important thing is this: To be able, at any moment, to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."**

**--Charles DuBois**

When Sara awoke she was disappointed to find Grissom's side of the bed empty. Sitting up groggily she registered the sound of the shower as her eyes adjusted to the bright morning light. Her eyes scanned the room for nothing in particular as she debated whether or not Grissom would mind if she joined him in the shower. However, just as she was deciding against it she felt her stomach jolt. She immediately panicked. She had no desire to be bent over a toilet spewing vomit while Grissom occupied the bathroom. Unfortunately she didn't have much choice. She jumped up almost immediately and rushed into the bathroom, barely pushing the toliet seat up before her stomach emptied itself. It wasn't until she reached to flush that she felt Grissom's body pressed up against hers.

Blushing, she turned to face him.

"Morrning sickness." She said quietly and he nodded his head apologetically.

"Want to shower?" He asked, placing a light kiss on her head.

"Yes... but Grissom, we really need to talk. Can we get breakfast afterwards?"

He nodded thoughtfully and she could tell he wasn't looking forward to their discussion.

She made a move towards the shower, thinking he would return to the room to dress but found herself shocked as he instead followed her under the hot, steamy spray.

His hands came immediately to her sides, pulling her back against his chest. Then using a soft hand to move her wet hair to one side, he leaned in and kissed her neck, causing pleasant shivers to run down her spine.

Sara ground her body against him already longing desperately to feel him inside of her.

"Grissom..." She gasped as he swung her around and pressed her against the shower wall.

She could now feel his erection tantalizingly rubbing against her and it rendered her almost paralyzed.

"Oh Gil..." She panted as he kissed his way down her neck again. She dug her nails into his back trying to press herself closer to him, but he stilled her with his hands and brought his face back up to look at her.

"I love you, Sara..." He whispered.

Then in one smooth move he had her legs pulled up around him and he was thrusting into her.

Sara moaned in ecstasy as with each thrust he quickened his pace, grunting and panting.

"Oh Gil, Gil, Gil..." She moaned over and over again as the tension built.

"Oh god, Sara." Came his response as he continued to move even faster.

Sara's chest seemed to rise in rhythm with his thrusts and she titled her head back as she felt herself getting closer.

"Gil... oh.... my... go--"

She came about a second before him and both found themselves nearly collapsed on the shower floor the water pooling over their naked, sweaty forms.

As her breathing slowed Sara opened her mouth to speak but found Grissom pushing himself up and climbing out of the shower. Suddenly Sara felt very cold. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach she stood up quickly and washed off. When she left the bathroom wrapped tightly in a white towel she was even more dismayed to find herself alone in the hotel room. On the bed next her pillow was a note.

_"Meet me in the coffee shop across the street when you're ready."_

_-Grissom_

Sighing, she tried to push away her emotions as she threw on her clothes and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Not bothering with make-up she grabbed her bag and made her way downstairs.

--

She found him sitting alone in a secluded area towards the back of the shop, a steaming mug of coffee and a half-eaten scone on the table beside him. Sara slid into the seat across with her own cup of coffee and a nervous expression.

"Gil?" She asked tentatively and he slowly met her eyes.

"We have to discuss... this."

He nodded, a blank expression on his face.

"Well... I guess I'll start... I, uh, have decided to keep the baby." She quickly searched his face for a reaction and could see that he was uncomfortable.

"Sara, I can't leave the lab." He replied carefully.

"I know that... but I was just thinking that you might consider preparing to leave. I mean... you could leave a month or so before the baby came, so we could get settled..."

His face was hard.

"I don't know, Sara... have you considered coming back? I mean you wouldn't even have to work... you could just come back to Vegas."

She sighed heavily.

"I have thought about that and I just don't know that I want our child to grow up in Las Vegas. I've seen too many horrible things happen to children there. I'd like to raise our child somewhere that is safer. "

She could see he was about to argue but she cut him off almost immediately.

"I know that sounds like an excuse to you Gil. And maybe it is. So I'll just say it then. I don't want to come back to Vegas and I don't know if I'll ever be ready."

He nodded slowly... sadly. Then he swallowed.

"I know."

She could tell by his resigned look that he had already suspected she wouldn't be coming back. She felt a deep sadness wash over her when she realized that despite his suspicions, a part of him had still hoped it wouldn't be true. She didn't want it to be true. She wanted to lie and pretend that it was a possibility. But she knew it would hurt him more in the end so she endured his broken resignation.

They both sat in silence for several minutes, sipping coffee and desperately avoiding the reality that was unraveling before them. Finally Sara spoke again.

"I... I love you Gil. I love you more than anything else in my life. I would give up everything for you, except my sanity and I even gave that up for awhile. I know that giving into our relationship was a big step and I love you more for it. There was a long time where I couldn't have survived without you. Now though I might not be perfectly stable, I can be on my own again. I can survive if it is what I need to do. I don't want to go on without you but I will if I have to. You don't have to make a choice now, but we could have a real life together. We could have a home and a family and the future you already planned for."

She waved her ring hand to emphasize their engagement and then reached across the table to grasp his reassuringly.

"I'm asking you to consider leaving the lab for both our sakes. For our child's sake. I never really had anything I could call a family until you. I want you to stay a part of that..."

He had remained silent while she spoke, his eyes staying fixed upon her, but not betraying the slightest of his emotions.

"I'll... I'll think about it Sara." He managed to say in a strained voice. It sounded as if he was dangerously close to crying.

She smiled at him, blinking back her own tears.

"That's all I'm asking right now."

**TBC...**

**A/N: Don't forget to leave a review! :D**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This is a transition chapter so not much new happens but I promise to make the next chapter more exciting. Please leave a review!**

_"Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice."_

--David Kenyon Webster

Grissom stayed a few more days but the strain from their previous conversation had drawn a thick wall between them.

It was still fairly early when Sara drove Grissom back to his hotel on saturday night. As she pulled up in front of the main entrance Grissom hesitated, his hand gripping the door handle nervously.

"Sara... I booked a flight for tomorrow morning."

She nodded in response but didn't look at him.

"I knew you would be leaving soon."

Her voice did not hold the bitterness he expected but instead had a sad and defeated quality that was even more frightening. It made his heart ache and for a moment he battled fiercely against the desire to encircle her in his arms and banish it away. But what would he tell her? He couldn't lie and say it was all okay when he was still unsure of his position.

He knew the decision should be simple. He knew he should give up everything, leave the lab, and follow her to whatever beginning or end. But despite all the undeniable progress he had made he was still terrified by the possibility of what he could loose if he made the sacrifice. He couldn't survive another Barbara and without the cushion of his career he would have nothing to fall back on. He shook himself mentally and reached out a hand to squeeze her leg in a gesture of comfort. Though she did not flinch away, she remained in the same frozen position, knuckles white on the steering wheel, face staring straight ahead.

"Sara..." He began after a moment but she finally moved, allowing her hands to fall into her lap and her eyes to avert themselves even further.

"What time should I pick you up tomorrow?"

She spoke fast in an effort to keep the emotion in her voice from overwhelming her and it took him a moment to discern what she was asking.

"Sara, you don't have to... I can take a cab..." He said quickly once he realized what she was referring to.

"What time?"

She jerked her head around, finally facing him and blinking furiously to keep her tears at bay.

"Uh... 9:30..." He mumbled.

After a moment's awkward pause he leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. Then he got out of the car and watched her drive away as he tried desperately to forget the way her warm lips had quivered beneath his.

--

The next morning the drive to the airport went by in complete silence. Grissom was so distracted by her distress that he almost didn't notice when she pulled into the parking lot instead of the drop-off area.

"Really, Sara, I can manage. I know you have a lot on your mind." He protested as she parked her car in an available spot.

She just shook her head and got out of the car. He didn't have it in him to protest anymore so he followed her to the trunk to get his luggage.

They were a bit early so they bought sandwiches from one of the airport restaurants. He watched her pick at hers while he ate his own and he was just beginning to think they would not exchange another word until their goodbyes when she finally spoke.

"I'm going to miss you."

He looked up at her, mid-chew. Then he nodded and swallowed.

"God Sara I miss you already."

She set her sandwich down and brought a quivering hand up to his face. Then she leaned forward and touched her lips gently to his. Immediately he set his own sandwich down, freeing his hands to come up around her body and pull her closer.

The kiss was soft, sad, and a little bit desperate. As it deepened he felt the salty taste of tears collide with his tongue and he pulled back to find her face was red and blotchy.

"Oh, Sara..." He whispered using his thumb to wipe the wetness from her cheeks.

He was just about to say something else when his phone rang, startling them both.

Annoyed at the timing, he reluctantly pulled it from his pocket and flipped it open.

"Grissom." He barked into the receiver.

"Hey Gil, it's Jim."

"Oh, hi Jim." He answered wearily.

"Listen, I'm sorry if this is a bad time but I really need you back at the lab. We are already short and Warrick was an hour late today. I think he has been having a lot of personal problems with his divorce and he needs you to talk some sense into him."

Jim's tone was light but Grissom could tell he was more stressed than he let on.

"Don't worry, Jim. I'm at the airport right now waiting for my flight."

"Alright, great, I'll see you soon."

Grissom flipped his phone shut and turned to Sara who had been watching him anxiously.

"Warrick's been having some trouble with his divorce. Brass said he needs me back at the lab so I guess we had perfect timing."

Sara nodded and looked away.

"Listen, Sara... I've been thinking a lot about what you said the other day and I'm... I'm willing to consider leaving the lab, there is just a lot I need to sort out first. I feel like the people there are part of my family and I just... need some time."

He met her eyes hopefully and was relieved to find that anger was absent from them.

"I'm giving you time, Gil. But you have to remember that I'm-- no, _we're_--" she gestured to her stomach, "your family too."

He nodded numbly and she leaned in to give him a quick, but reassuring kiss.

"You better get going, your flight will be leaving soon."

He nodded and stood up, taking her in his arms and kissing her one last time before turning and walking away towards security.

She stood and watched until he disappeared around the corner hoping with all her heart that he would have the strength to make the necessary sacrifice.

**TBC...**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the great reviews on the last chapter. Please keep them coming :D**

_"Well, you and I, it's somethin' different  
And I'm enjoyin' it as cautiously  
I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard  
To get back to who I used to be"_

_--_"Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy

The next week was a difficult one for Sara. She felt she was in even more of a hopeless state than the day she left Vegas. Though she tried to banish her anger and make sense of his uncertainty, she was beginning to get impatient. After all, wasn't his child more important to him than his job? What about her? What about the past two years? Did they mean nothing to him?

After three days of slouching around her apartment and trying to get her thoughts straight she decided that if she was going to do the best by her child she better get Gil Grissom out of her mind. It shouldn't be too hard, she reassured herself, as they hadn't spoken since he left.

She busied herself with reorganizing the rest of her apartment.

On Thursday she went shopping, picking up everything she still needed. She loaded cleaning supplies, cooking utensils, pans, dishes, toiletries, bath towels, and groceries into a large cart. As she wheeled her cart out to her car she noticed a pet shop next door to the shopping center. After loading her things into her car she approached it somewhat cautiously.

She pushed the door open and began browsing the aisles.

"May I help you with something, ma'am?" a clerk asked her.

"Uh, yeah... I, uh, was thinking about getting a cat." She replied nervously.

--

20 minutes later she was heading back to her car a second time, now carrying a large bag full of cat food, various cat toys, a litter box, and a few other essential items. The clerk was walking alongside her with a beautiful calico in a carrier.

Sara loaded the rest of things in her trunk and instructed the clerk to leave the cat in the front seat. Then she drove everything back to her apartment, mumbling soothing words to the clearly terrified animal beside her.

She just hoped that her new companion would help her ease some of the loneliness that was threatening to consume her.

--

Grissom arrived back in Vegas mid-afternoon. The flight, though fairly short, had been exhausting. The entire time his thoughts had not wandered from Sara and the decision he had to make. He took a cab to his townhouse, planning to get a few hours of sleep before shift but after only 15 minutes of staring at the bedroom ceiling he found himself heading into the lab.

The rest of the week he pulled even more doubles than he had after Sara's departure. His stress level wasn't helped by Warrick's reckless behavior. He nearly lost it when he found Warrick doing his own investigation at a strip club after he had instructed him to take the night off. After explaining yet again how close he was to loosing his job, he sent him home in a cab and prayed that would be the end of it.

It wasn't.

Five hours later Grissom got a call to process a scene at the strip club Warrick had been investigating. When he arrived at the scene he was horrified to find a girl's body hanging out of the passenger door of Warrick's car. He couldn't loose another member of his team, not now when it felt like it was all he had left.

As he snapped photos of the crime scene, all he could think of was Sara. He wished so badly that she was with him. Since she had come to Vegas she had helped him maintain a piece of mind, even when they weren't on the best of terms. She had always been there for him, even when he had thrown her aside. And then it occurred to him, despite her absence it was still him doing the leaving.

He sighed heavily trying to shake himself free of his thoughts and then turned and scanned the scene for the coroner. It was then that he saw Warrick striding forward, a look of confusion evident on his face.

Grissom ran towards him immediately, feeling his entire body tense.

"No, no, no! You can't cross the tape!" Grissom yelled in desperation.

Warrick paused, his hands in the process of lifting the tape over his head. Grissom finally reached him, panting.

"Not this time. This is your car." He finished, pointing haphazardly behind him.

Warrick dropped the tape, and Grissom watched as the look on his face transformed from confusion to horror.

And then Warrick threw his hands down and screamed.

"Nooo! Nooo! This is wrong! She didn't do anything! Griss, I know who did this! It was Gedda, you have to get him for this!"

Grissom studied him sadly.

"You have to go with this officer Warrick. They need to take your statement."

Warrick shook his head angrily and turned to follow the officer. Grissom went back to processing the scene, unable to push away the feeling of dread any longer.

--

Sara pulled back the covers of her bed and settled herself into it with her copy of_ Pride and Prejudice_. It had been a long day and she was exhausted but her apartment had a much more inviting feel to it now. She smiled as Sasha, her new cat, jumped up onto the bed and settled next to her. She was ready to enjoy a quiet evening buried in the world of Elizabeth Bennett and far from her own troubles.

Suddenly, her cell phone began to buzz. Groaning she leaned over to answer it.

"Sara Sidle."

"It's me."

She froze immediately. She hadn't been expecting a call from him so soon.

"Sara?" There was a hint of sadness in his voice that forced her to answer.

"Yes, I'm here."

"I... I'm so sorry. I wasn't being sensible earlier. I love you more than anything and you deserve much more than I've been giving you. I'm going to start making preparations to leave. I just need... a few months... Warrick is really struggling."

Sara nodded though he could not see her. Her heart wrenched at the broken quality of his voice.

"Gil... what happened?"

"He's not doing well, Sara... He's been reckless lately and so angry. He's under a lot of pressure from his divorce but I feel like it's something more than that. I had to suspend him. He got too involved in a case."

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

"I don't know, Sara. I don't know..."

**TBC...**


End file.
